Bob says hi to all, especially you single girls...

The Raft

   A doctor and a lawyer are stranded on a desert island. One day they see a raft with a beautiful nude woman on it.

  The doctor says, "Boy, I hope that raft drifts onto shore!" and, the lawyer asks why.

  The doctor replies, "Because as soon as she gets here, I`m going to screw her."

  The lawyer looks at him, with a puzzled face, and says..."Out of what?"

  

The Virgin

  A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

  On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite, and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle, I am a virgin."

   The startled groom says, "How can you be a virgin? You`ve been married three times."

  The bride responds: "Well, you see, it was like this. My first husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was...God, I miss him!!!"

A Kiwi Joke

  In an old cargo plane a mile up in the sky, there was a pilot (naturally), a minister of the church, a kiwi bloke, and lastly a powerful government official. This plane was on its last legs, and halfway through this journey the planes engines began to fail.

  There was no landing strip in sight, they couldn`t turn back, and what is worse is that there were only three parachutes between the four people. The pilot had one. Now the passengers know that this plane was going to crash, so the government official decided that each of them had to tell to each other as to why they should live.

  The minister said that he was important because he did god`s works. The kiwi bloke said, "Well, I am young and I haven`t even been married."

  Now as they were telling their stories as to see who deserved to have a parachute, the plane was starting to go down. The government official seeing this said, "I am the most important person on this plane. I govern the country and without me the country would fall to pieces." And without waiting to decide who was going to get the parachute, he jumped up, grabbed the item in the kiwis hand, put it over his shoulders, and jumped out of the plane. The last words the kiwi and the minister heard from this government official were, "I deserve to live, to hell with you all!" The kiwi bloke turned to the minister and said, "Just as well, I guess."

  Rather puzzled by this remark he asked, "Why did you say that, you`re so young." The kiwi replied, "Ahh well, he wasn`t to bloody bright, was he?" "What do you mean?", asked the priest. "Ahh stupid bastard jump out of the plane with my camping pack on!"

True Tales from Customer Service

(excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton)
1) Compaq is considering changing the command "press any key" to "press return key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is...

2) AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in...

3) Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn`t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type on the labels...

4) Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies...

5)A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room...

6) Another Dell customer called to say he couldn`t get his computer to FAX anything. After fourty minutes of trouble shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key...

7) Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8) Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9) A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him that he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer`s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn`t be taken personally...

10) An exasperated caller to Dell computer tech support couldn`t get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pressed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the customers mouse...

11)Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn`t work. She said that she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power swhich, she asked, "What power swhich?"

12) True story from a Novell Netwire sysop:
CALLER: "Hello, is this tech support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my p.c. is broken and I am within the warranty period. How so I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I`m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, It`s attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it`s because I am. Did you recieve this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer, I don`t know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it."

  At this point the tech rep. had to mute the caller, because he couldn`t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

(and here are some of my own true stories...)
13) A customer called me saying that she was having problems with her television picture and wasn`t sure if it was with her tv or with her antenna system. I asked her if she got any U.H.F. and she replied, "I don`t believe in extraterrestrials!"

14) A lady called me one day for a service call as her set was coming on by itself in the middle of the night, and it was scaring her as she would wake up hearing voices coming from the livingroom, thinking it was a prowler. She then told me, "So last night before I went to bed I unplugged the tv and last night it came on again..." At this point I wasn`t sure what to say, but after a few seconds she continued, "So I went and looked behind the set and what I had done was to unplug the VCR..." After going out and fixing her set she told me that at first she wasn`t sure if she should call a tv repairman or one of the parapsychologists over at the university, and that she was wondering if her home had been built on an old indian graveyard or something. Her street address was on Sleepy Hollow Road in Escondido.

For even more things real living, breathing, customers have said see the "a la carte" list!

The Skoda

  A man in Poland goes into a car dealership to buy a new Skoda (a type of car manufactured there) and asks when it can be picked up. The dealer tells him that he can take delivery of his car on the third of June,2004. The man pulls out his pocket diary and says, "Well, let`s see, June third, 2004..., yes, that`s fine. But will the car be delivered in the morning or in the afternoon?" "Afternoon.", replies the dealer. "Oh, that`s too bad," says the man, "I have the plumber coming in the afternoon..."

  

  

Kids Say the Darndest Things...

  Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

-The future of "I give" is "I take".

-The parts of speech are lungs and air.

-The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

-A census taker is man who goes from house to house increacing the
  population.

-Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin,
  Hydrogen is gin and water.

-(Define H2O & CO2 )-H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

-A virgin forest is where the hand of man has never set foot.

-The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

-A city purifies its` water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through
   an aviator.

-Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

-The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

-The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
  you sit on the bottom.

-We don`t raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
  from Rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

-One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

-A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
  constipated authorities.

-One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

-To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips
  into the throat.

-The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

-The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

-Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious
  feelings.

-The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
  and plural at the bottom.

-Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

-The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the
  other.

-In Spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

-Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

-A person should take a bath once in the Summer, not so often in the
  Winter.

Fartiquette

   A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he`d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
   The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn`t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

   "SPOT!" called out the young woman`s mother to the family dog, lying at the yong man`s feet. Relieved at the dog`s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

   "SPOT!", she called out sparply. "I`ve got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I`ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

   "SPOT!" shrieked the mother. "get over here before he shits on you!"

The Private "i"

   A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

   A few days later he recieved his report:

Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house,
He comes to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree-not see.

THEREFORE NO FEE.