The Penquin Story
You might be an engineer if ...
The Penquin Story
A penquin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage while the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.The penquin, being a good natured bird, didn`t complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage, covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "it looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penquin said, "Oh no! It`s just ice cream!"
Dirty Dishes
There`s this guy who`s in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he`s answering the ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike is in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "this bike is beautiful !! I`ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.""Well," says the seller, "it`s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it`s going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you`re buying the bike I won`t need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She`s estatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend`s parents house. See, it`s the first time he`s going to meet them and figures it will make a good impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriends arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don`t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend takes advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her mom`s kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriends mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I`ll do the fucking dishes!!"
A Church Story
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It`s very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I`ll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...and who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn`t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...and what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "you stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I`ll break it off and shove it up your ass!!"
The sermon was over.
The Hell to Choose
A businessman died and found himself in hell, in some kind of reception area. The receptionist told him to sit down and relax, as he had plenty of time, and that he had a choice of two types of hell to spend eternity in; the capitalist hell or the socialist hell. He was given two brochures to read over.The capitalist hell involved so many hours in boiling oil, and so many hours roasting on hot coals. The socialist hell also involved so many hours in boiling oil and so many hours roasting on hot coals.The man was confused, and went to the devil and asked: "sir, I`m confused. I read these two plans and they are identical-so many hours in boiling oil and so many hours roasting on hot coals. What`s the difference?" The devil said, "you seem like a nice enough guy to me, choose the socialist hell." The man asked again, "but why? They are the same. Why should I choose the socialist hell?" The devil replied, "In the socialist hell sometimes there`s no oil, sometimes there`s no coal..."
A Shitty Subject
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training
FROM: Training coordinator
DATE: May 12,1997
In order to insure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ("SHIT").
We are trying to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.
If you feel that you do not recieve your share of SHIT on the job, please see your supervisor. You will immediately be placed at the top of the SHIT list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.
Employees who don`t know SHIT will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ("DEEP SHIT"). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING ("EAT SHIT").
Since our supervisors took SHIT before they were promoted, they don`t have to do SHIT anymore as they ae already full of SHIT.
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ("BULL SHIT").
For employees intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EMPLOYMENT ("MORE SHIT").
If you have further questions, please diredt them to the HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ("HOT SHIT").
Thank you,
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
("BIG SHIT")
The Peanut (innuendo)
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He`d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter`s date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father`s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was wonderful! Isn`t he intelligent? What do you think he`ll be when he grows older?!" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
Li`l Johnny...Ridem Cowboy
Li`l Johnny is passing his parents` bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act". Before dad can even react, Li`l Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"Daddy, relieved that Johnny`s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
The Gorilla
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one."Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," responds the man.
"Oh yea, I can do it. I`ll be right there." says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun. and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I`m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does. the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla`s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
You might be an Engineer if...
If you have no life, and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you enjoy pain.
If you know vector calculus but you can`t remember how to do long division.
If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
If you`ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivitive of water.
If you think in "math."
If you`ve calculated that the world series actually diverges.
If you hesitate to look at something because you don`t want to break down its wave function.
If you have a pet named after a scientist.
If you laugh at jokes about mathmaticians.
If the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger`s cat experiment.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you can`t remember what`s behind the door in the engineering building which says "EXIT".
If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there`s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you avoid doing anything because you don`t want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
If you consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".
If when your professor asks you where your homework is. you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
If you`ll assume that a horse is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
If you understand more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says
"CONCENTRATE".
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you recieve are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids` toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your son`s Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging up coats and taping ducts.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you can carry on a one hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you ae convinced that you can build a phaser from your garage door
opener and your camera`s flash attachment.
If you don`t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction water swirls when you flush.
If you have ever taken the back off your T.V. just to see what`s inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on
the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you thought that the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid.
If you have ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
If you own one or more white short sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the sales people at Circuit City can`t answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and still know how to work it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your
mind.
If you own a set of "itty-bitty" screwdrivers, but don`t remember where they
are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the T.V.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
stands for.
If you can type 70 words per minute but can`t read your own handwriting.
If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of -Apollo 13- were the mission controllers.
If you think your computer looks better without the cover.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it`s because they didn`t get
enough sleep.
If your spouse hasn`t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what "http:/ " stands for.
If you`ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If your favorite part of the 6 O`clock news is comparing their latest satellite
weather picture with yours.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If you`ve ever made a St. Valentine`s Day card for your girlfriend using your
3DCAD program.
If you purchase the chlothes you wear via the `net instead of going to a
shop.
If you felt lonely without your computer on your snow country vacation.
( continue on to MORE humor )
