Yes, that`s
right, you`ve got new neighbors downstairs! And to get this joyous occasion off
to a good start, I offer these guidelines to help promote peace, harmony, and
human understanding. First, let`s talk about the parking situation.
Since there are only two spots it would be a nice gesture to rent a parking
spot nearby for your car so your new neighbors friends will have a spot to park
when they visit. When you must park in front, for instance when unloading
groceries, remember that it is only a few steps farther if you park on the
street, and the extra exercise will do you good. Also, since outdoor seating is
limited, your car hood will be useful for the neighbors and their friends to sit
on as they converse and conduct their daily affairs. Try to keep the hood clean
and periodically clean up trash and beer bottles to make the spot more
inviting. Ignore little scratches and markings, which may appear, as it could
just be their kids expressing their creative talents.
Second, there`s the subject of
neighborly hospitality. Be prepared to loan out whatever your new neighbors may
need. A spare car battery is good to have around, as are jumper cables, hand
tools, a chemical balance accurate to the 100 mg. range and also capable of
handling a kilogram or so, a scanner which can pick up the police bands, and an
extra gun or two to loan out in the event that rival gangs threaten their (our)
turf. It is also a nice gesture to keep 50 or 100 dollars in your wallet at all
times so in the event that your new neighbors are caught short you will be able
to make the gracious gesture. Leaving your wallet where they can find it is
also a nice little touch so as not to embarrass them by making them having to ask.
When the time comes for repayment of these loans, don`t be a calendar watcher!
And if they offer something they have in lieu of cash, accept it with
gratitude. Ask yourself truthfully if you didn’t really need some videotapes or
a bag of weed for them to come upstairs and smoke each night. Learn to rejoice
in the joy of giving, and always remember how unhappy your new neighbors would
be if they had to go out and work every day like you do to pay their bills. If
you are not on cable, subscribe to it so they may be able to split off a line
to their place. Keep at least two phones, one preferably in a private room, and
accept without question long distance bills to other countries. You know, the
phone company makes mistakes, and are you really sure these calls were made by
your neighbors?
Thirdly, share your talents. Fix
their electronic equipment if you can and always be available to help with any
problems they may be having with their drug lab downstairs. Don`t wait to be
asked! Volunteer new methods of precursor synthesis you may be aware of and if
telltale odors are a problem, offer to run the reaction upstairs at your place
so as to divert suspicions. Your new neighbors have little children downstairs,
and you wouldn’t want to see their father go to jail leaving them helpless,
would you? Share your cool hiding places with them so they can store their contraband
up at your place. Don`t be concerned about being a patsy. Remember that the
needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.
Finally, learn to appreciate
other cultures, even though they have no appreciation or respect for yours.
Learn some words and a few phrases in their language, stock up on their
favorite ethnic liquors, and find the grace to enjoy hour upon hour of the same
music continually played at triple digit decimal levels through the day and
night. Get into the scene, kick back and enjoy the ride. Your new neighbors
will thank you for it and if you are lucky, like me, allow you to live in a
location you were in first, and live to tell about it!
Let`s all try to be a good
neighbor starting today!